Sometimes the World Crumbles

I really want to skip last week and go right to what we did this weekend, but sometimes I think I paint a picture of perfection on my blog and I am by no means perfect. My life isn't perfect. We may not have the same struggles as the rest of you, but we have our own individual struggles that are as real to us as yours are to you. I have short comings and things I hate doing just like everyone else. So here is a my world falling apart story. If you are going to judge me then stop reading and read all the happy stuff because this story is pretty personal.

About 3 weeks ago, I started feeling funny. I know that isn't a great word for it because it isn't like sick feeling, but an emotional thing. So, I sometimes feel separated from what I am doing. I mean I go through the actions of being a mom: I wake up, get dressed, eat, get my kids where they should go, etc. but instead of actually being apart of all that I feel like I am watching it though a glass wall and for some reason can not connect with it. Usually this feeling is when I am sleep deprived or going through some kind of hormone change, so I didn't really pay attention to it because I was going though a hormone change. However, this time it lasted and it got worse. It happened gradually, so I didn't know it was really happening. I started making excuses for why I couldn't go running/exercise and they were ligit but I also wasn't even trying to figure out how to do. I starting eating a lot more carbs and sweets than normal. Which if any of you know me that is a lot because I eat those thing a lot normally. I attributed these things to me having them around because I made them for other people, and while that was true I couldn't really get myself to stop either. As a little more time progressed, I had a hard time getting out of bed and then couldn't wait to get back there at night and then I sometimes had a hard time falling asleep. Then it kept getting worse. I couldn't schedule my life. I seriously could not get myself to make appointments because of 'time' and or 'money.' I didn't really want to play with my kids I wanted them to play by themselves all the time. Then on top of all of that I started to get anxiety over Tia. Now I know your saying well you always do that, but this was different. I was ready to take her out of school because I thought she could handle it. Now, if you read this and you think oh that is me every day. That is most likely fine, some people truly operate that way, but that is so not me. I know its not me because I am most the time a pretty positive person, I enjoy laughing, and talking and usually talking boosts me, but I wasn't any of those things. I was too concerned with what was wrong or not perfect in my life. This was not me you just have to trust me.

So, last Wednesday it all came to a volcanic eruption. It started on Tuesday night. When I was worried that when I picked Tia up she was cuddly and stuff and the week before she cried when we left. I was worried I was doing the wrong thing of sending her to school and that she wasn't ready and that she was having a horrible time and blah blah blah. Then on Wednesday, I had a day. It was an okay day not great but not terrible, but I was feeling crummy about it. Then I went to a parent/teacher conference for Tia. The teacher was a great she told me she loved Tia and that she thought that she was such a sweet girl. Yes, she needs lots of redirection, but she is trying. She is ready for preschool. She tries hard to be good and all this other great stuff about Tia. But she also told me her program was going 4-days next year. So, I came home overwhelmed by all this knowledge and worried about what to do and stuff. I talked to Gaupo and he loving listened to me and talked to me about what to do and so I settled down for a bit and we moved on to something else, but  the emotions were still there. Well, the night went on and my emotions got heightened even more and I got frustrated that something didn't work the way it should and I lost it. I mean LOST IT! I was so frustrated with myself. I didn't feel like I was a good mom and wife. I didn't think I could care for my kids and my home. I didn't feel empowered to make decisions or to do with my life what I should. I was a sobbing emotional mess. Poor Gaupo. I have cried on him before but not under these circumstances. He kept asking what is wrong. To which he always got the reply "I DON'T KNOW!" I gave him a litany of reasons why I was feeling this way. They were the ones listed above about not eating well, not excising, birth control, messy home, and confusion. I told him I didn't feel right. I said, "I am spending so much time of Social Media." (it was more than normal by a lot) I can't focus or plan. I can't make commitments, etc. Then he said what is causing it. "I don't know. We have had so much that I don't exactly know, but I think it might be birth control because I feel like that is when it started." He said, "You need to call the doctor tomorrow morning, and I will take off whatever time you need to get this sorted out." So, I said I would and cried and feel apart for awhile long and then went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and I felt a lot better. I didn't feel perfect, but I felt present. I laughed because I felt like it not because it was the thing to do in the conversation. I was feeling more empowered than I had in many days. So, I got going still a little slow, but better. I got the girls to school and then went and parked at the library to wait for Kylee's field trip and called the doctor. I actually got to talk to a nurse right away which is really unusual. She but in the request to the doctor about a change in birth control and then she asked if we could do a depression screening. "Yes!" I wanted to know because if I did I needed help I was so done being a zombie mom. Anyway, I did the screening and scored moderate. (The scale is mild, moderate, moderate/severe, and severe) The nurse assured me just because it was moderate didn't mean that it wasn't real or causing problems. So, she gave me the mental health number and said if I wanted I could make an appointment. Well, I then had to go to the field trip and talk to Gaupo a bit before it. But, then when I wen to pick-up Tia I scheduled the appointment. The earliest opening they had was March 21st. So I made the appointment. By this point in the day (11:00), I could start to feel myself dipping again. I din't dip as bad as previous days and managed to schedule a vision appointment too. I also talked to my doctor about what was going on and switch birth controls. Which I picked up while my friend Siri watch my kids. Then we went to her house and had pizza and chatted. So, it ended good. I was still not all right, but much better. Every day since then I have been getting better and yesterday and today I have felt normal. So, I am hoping that have a huge explosion of emotion and the switching of medicine have cured it, because I love feeling happy. I love having plans and enjoying things. I love being with my kids. I have loved being outside in the sunshine, riding bikes, running, and just doing whatever.

I don't know if I am all better, but I hope so. I am so impressed by the people who fight/live with depression everyday and survive. I know many days they don't feel like they are surviving, but they made it. After having gone through this I am amazed because when depression kicks in even the simple stuff like a ponytail is hard or not good enough. The feelings of anxiety, imperfection, and not being good enough are so really and potent. They are so consuming. So, for people who have more than me I can't even imagine because just the three weeks of it that I had were so hard in a very unique way.

I am so grateful I have a husband who didn't totally freak when I I completely crumbled into an inconsolable mess. I am grateful to have a good morning, so I could talk to a nurse and get some questions and see and look at some of the things I had been struggling with. I am grateful that when I told my mom she didn't freak out on me either instead she said she was proud of me. That I was amazing for just admitting I was struggling. I am grateful that simple things have seem to make it all better. I am grateful for a family who loves me and keeps going even when I can't keep it together. I am seriously so blessed and though I never ever want to feel that way again, it truly opened my eyes to how real and debilitating mental illness can be. It creeps in so slowly that if your not aware it gets out of control. I have greater compassion. Sometimes crazy things give us clearer vision and better foundations. I am so grateful that the Lord is in charge because his plan for me is making me better/different/stronger/humbler than I ever thought possible. 

The Zoo and the Rest of the Day

Yesterday was free Zoo day, so we skipped swimming lessons and went. I dilly-dallied getting ready and was consequently kind of rushed and late getting out the door, but we did it. We left a little after nine, which got us to the Denver Zoo a little after ten. When we first got there it wasn't too crowded and we decided to go the opposite way we normally do, and I am so glad we did. I am glad because all the animals were out and we got to explore a lot of things we haven't seen before. We say a huge like boa constrictor snake. When I first saw it I kind of did a little jump, but then reminded myself that it was behind glass. Yesh, I really don't like snakes, but I sure saw a lot of this trip. We also say some cute monkeys, and beautiful hawk. The hawk we actually got to see pretty close and hear a little more about him and the zoo. Then we saw some little monkeys, and then decided to go to the elephant show and meet up with Trent and Tori.

Looking at the deer thing.

Tia and Kylee were fascinated by the men taking down Christmas lights.

Tia and Kylee looking at the penguins.

Tia and the elephant.

More with the elephant

It is really hard to get them both to look at the same time.

The elephant show was pretty fun. We got to hear lots of fun facts, and watch him bend onto his knees, lift his head, curl his trunk, walk, turn around--stuff like that. Kylee loved it. She even listened to the presenter enough to know some of what she said. Tia was a little bored, but please as punch to be with Kylee and Tori.

Trent, Tori, Kylee, random girl, Tia, and random boy playing on a jeep thing near the elephants.

We tried to look at some other things, but the kids kept begging for lunch. Finally, I caved hoping we would be able to have a peaceable rest of the zoo trip. We had a good lunch except for the fact that a Canadian Goose stole half of Kylee's sandwich while she was chewing and not paying attention. Kylee was super mad and slightly frightened and Tia was wanting me to go get it back. I didn't go get it (obviously), so Kylee ate some of Tia's sandwhich and then they both had tons of snacks as we continued walking around the zoo. Despite the lunch break Tori was pretty whinny and Kylee was apparently famished because she ate and ate while we walked to the Primate area and then some more after that. I was really worried she would get sick, but I think she is growing, so that equals more food intake.

Sitting on the Ropes.

Anyway, after looking at the Gorillas and Orangutans we crossed the zoo to see the exploring the shores exhibit. Siri was having to carry Trent because Tori was "needing" to ride in the stroller. Somewhere between the lions and the water exhibit we lost our friends, and I honestly gave up hope and to be honest some desire to stay with them because Siri was rushing because her kids were whining and I was going slow because Kylee was starting to whine and slow down. So, with two different tempos going I just gave up because I wasn't going home at 1:00 in the afternoon, not with so much of the zoo to see. Plus I know Kylee can last longer than 1:00 in the afternoon. She does it almost any other day of the week. Consequently, I dragged Kylee along trying to get her interested in anything but going home. Tia was as happy as a lark to just be constantly moving and seeing. On our way to the water exhibit we saw the cheetah, lion,rhino, polor bear and some other cool things.

So,eventually we got to the underwater exhibit and it was really cool. I had never been in there before and it had all kind of things. It has tons of frogs, turtles, fish, snakes, and stingrays. It also had an anaconda. It had lots of really cool things I don't know that I have ever seen. We didn't even get to to see it all, but it was cool. Kylee was thinking she was going to die at this point and Tia wanted to go outside, so instead of caving to Kylee we went outside and saw the giraffes and then the camels (Kylee's pick).

See Kylee is so thrilled to be looking at this mini-shark and huge fish ;)

By that time, Kylee decided to kind of perk-up so we were able to catch on last thing we hadn't yet seen-- Bird World. Besides the huge snake, I think this was the girls favorite part, but I don't know. They really kind of just liked walking through all the doors, but it was so cool, because in some parts the birds aren't in cages and you just walk on the path through the bird area. It was super cool. The girls got to touch a flamingo and owl feather too. It was a pretty cool place.

Finally, after bird world we started heading back to the front. We passed the covered wagon and the girls wanted a picture with that. So, we got that picture stopped at the restrooms on last time and went to the car. It was a little after three by this time, so I think we did really good and milking the day and Kylee's happiness.

Kylee and Tia at the covered wagon.

The kids were so tuckered out. They both feel asleep almost as soon as the were in their carseats. I really wanted to take a picture of them, but I was driving in traffic, so I decided against it, but they were zonked. They slept the whole way. I was kind of tired when I got home too, so I was kind of hoping they would stay asleep, but of course not. Although, it probably serves me right for making them stay up so long. Anyway, we got home and stuck the chicken pot pie in the oven and our dishes in the dishwasher and watched a show of Curious George. Then we got up and played and read books until Dad got home.

When Dad got home we put together Valentines. Kylee was really into it and excited. Tia just wanted the candy and to do everything herself. That was slightly frustrating, but we were able to have patience and only one card got ripped, so it turned out good. It was super fun to watch the girls get excited about what they were taking to school for their friends. After valentines, we had dinner. It was so good to have a warm cooked meal after a long day. Thank goodness some things can bake really well right out of the freezer. After dinner it was FHE. We made brownies. Gaupo had the girls taste salt, sugar, and chocolate. After each one he asked them if it tasted good. Salt was a definately no and the chocolate was a definite yes. The plain sugar was a toss up because it came after the chocolate. Anyway, Gaupo talked to them about how these ingredients on their own either taste gross or okay, but when we mix them together they make something great. He told them our family is the same way as we mix or work together we turn out better than we do when we are all alone. Then we made the brownies, by listening to instructions and working together. We had to really work at listening to each other because we all wanted to take over and not let anyone have a turn or do it their own way, but when we were all trying it went really well. Gaupo said after that it was really hard even for him to listen because sometimes he didn't want to let the girls have a turn or to follow the recipe exactly. I think it is pretty deep how that can compare with our lives and families. There are many time we just want to do it all or do it our own way, but we need to slow down and let others take a turn and if we want things to turn out the way we intend them to we all have to listen to instructions. Our brownies had specific instructions and so do our lives. However, just like when we followed the instructions we ended up with some really good rich brownies, if we follow the directions of the Lord we will end up with a really good  rich  eternal life. Now, I honestly doubt the girls got any of that, but they did get to make delicious brownies that they both like and they got to spend time helping and being with mom and dad.

It was a kind of crazy, long, fun day but oh so good. I love the things we do as a family. I really hope my kids never grow out of enjoying the simple things in life like spending time with family.

Magic Days

I love having a three and four year-old because everyday is magic. I mean we go to the park and we build a castle. It has lightbulbs, doors, windows, and we live in it. Often the girls go on trips to bring back 'blue sand' to build this castle with. Our trampoline can be anything from a Pokemon land to a hospital. The basement is a wonder of fantastic things, but most often there very own world were they can drive, make food, sleep, save each other, and run away from monsters. Almost everyday I am amazed at how the simple things of our life transform into a magical world for my children. They are truly amazing and I love watching them play, build with dupols and blocks, and come up with crazy games to play with their friends. I definitely think these are magic days, because their reality melts away and they live and dream like crazy.

Another reason these are magic days is because winter is very mild here in Colorado. We have had great weather. I could use some snow fun, but hey if there isn't going to be snow then I am glad it is sunny with mild temperatures. However, last Monday (1/28) we got a real winter-summer. The day started off by going a field trip to Panera Bread. They dumped the dough on the table, make cuts in it, and tossed it into their special ovens. The kids were so enthralled with it and to be honest it was pretty cool and we felt pretty special going behind the counter of a restaurant. After getting the bread in the oven, they let the kids frost their own sugar cookie. They had really cool sprinkles and some cool frosting colors. The kids had a great time frosting and decorating and really for a group of 3 and 4 year-olds they didn't make a very big mess. Then after doing cookies they gave us a sample of bread and we talked about how it felt, smelled, sounded, looked, and of course tasted. Then they finished it off by sending us home with our very own baguette. It was so great.

Kylee and Tia working on their cookies.

Kylee and Tia with their bread samples.

But, our summer didn't end with just one cool event because we headed to pool. We had pretty much the whole pool to ourselves which is very unsummer like, but so nice. The girls had a great time splashing and playing around. It was fun to enjoy it with them, and not have to worry about what we needed to do next. The swim trip was pretty much perfect. We did have a slight incident in which Kylee jumped in and I sent her back to the edge and it was too high, so she turned to start swimming back and I plucked her out, but as most of you know Kylee--the panic had already set in. So, while I was trying to clam her down Tia jumped in and I didn't notice. Then the lifegaurd starts walking toward me in a way that says there is something I am suppose to be seeing. That is when I realize Tia jumped. So, I look for her and she is standing on her tip-toes in the water with her head tipped back, so her mouth is at the highest point it could be, but the water is still getting in there. Anyway, I quickly haul her out and on to the edge. She spit up a little bit, but was fine. However, the girls were done jumping into the water. Luckily they were not done swimming, so we went back to the shallower water and swam and swam until we needed to go home for lunch and naps. The girls took great naps and and then the weather was so great we played outside. Then for dinner we had steak on the grill and twice baked potatoes. We even jumped on the tramp for a bit while Guapo grill. It was the perfect taste of summer. Folks, it was a magic day. I know it doesn't seem like it was all that different and any other day, but trust me it was. I was happy the whole day. I didn't get flustered when things didn't go just so. My girls were completely happy minus the crazy pool thing. We got to spend time as a family and we had good food. You will just have to trust me that it was a magic day and I literally felt as if I was living the best day ever. It was AWESOME!!

Now not all days around here are magic ones. We have the normal ones and the bad ones. I mean just after that incredibly awesome day I had like the worst day. It wasn't that anything went really wrong I just felt really off and so consequently the whole day felt that way. I was so mad. I was like why did I have a rockstar day and now a dumpy day? However, we made it through that day too and the next day was better. Days are like that, and thank goodness. I mean imagine if there was no good at any point of the day. Imagine if you were angry all the time, or tired all the time. It would be awful. I think that is why Heavenly Father gives us magic days and/or magic moments. If I am looking almost everyday has a magic moment--a moment that for however short a time it is everything is perfect. To be honest I can't always see them that day and sometimes the magic time is when we are all asleep, but its there. Heavenly Father loves me and thus sent Christ to earth for me, so that my bad days aren't my everyday and most importantly so I can have Magic Days.

My magic making crew at a DQ night, blizzards were buy on get one so time to eat fancy.