I really want to skip last week and go right to what we did this weekend, but sometimes I think I paint a picture of perfection on my blog and I am by no means perfect. My life isn't perfect. We may not have the same struggles as the rest of you, but we have our own individual struggles that are as real to us as yours are to you. I have short comings and things I hate doing just like everyone else. So here is a my world falling apart story. If you are going to judge me then stop reading and read all the happy stuff because this story is pretty personal.
About 3 weeks ago, I started feeling funny. I know that isn't a great word for it because it isn't like sick feeling, but an emotional thing. So, I sometimes feel separated from what I am doing. I mean I go through the actions of being a mom: I wake up, get dressed, eat, get my kids where they should go, etc. but instead of actually being apart of all that I feel like I am watching it though a glass wall and for some reason can not connect with it. Usually this feeling is when I am sleep deprived or going through some kind of hormone change, so I didn't really pay attention to it because I was going though a hormone change. However, this time it lasted and it got worse. It happened gradually, so I didn't know it was really happening. I started making excuses for why I couldn't go running/exercise and they were ligit but I also wasn't even trying to figure out how to do. I starting eating a lot more carbs and sweets than normal. Which if any of you know me that is a lot because I eat those thing a lot normally. I attributed these things to me having them around because I made them for other people, and while that was true I couldn't really get myself to stop either. As a little more time progressed, I had a hard time getting out of bed and then couldn't wait to get back there at night and then I sometimes had a hard time falling asleep. Then it kept getting worse. I couldn't schedule my life. I seriously could not get myself to make appointments because of 'time' and or 'money.' I didn't really want to play with my kids I wanted them to play by themselves all the time. Then on top of all of that I started to get anxiety over Tia. Now I know your saying well you always do that, but this was different. I was ready to take her out of school because I thought she could handle it. Now, if you read this and you think oh that is me every day. That is most likely fine, some people truly operate that way, but that is so not me. I know its not me because I am most the time a pretty positive person, I enjoy laughing, and talking and usually talking boosts me, but I wasn't any of those things. I was too concerned with what was wrong or not perfect in my life. This was not me you just have to trust me.
So, last Wednesday it all came to a volcanic eruption. It started on Tuesday night. When I was worried that when I picked Tia up she was cuddly and stuff and the week before she cried when we left. I was worried I was doing the wrong thing of sending her to school and that she wasn't ready and that she was having a horrible time and blah blah blah. Then on Wednesday, I had a day. It was an okay day not great but not terrible, but I was feeling crummy about it. Then I went to a parent/teacher conference for Tia. The teacher was a great she told me she loved Tia and that she thought that she was such a sweet girl. Yes, she needs lots of redirection, but she is trying. She is ready for preschool. She tries hard to be good and all this other great stuff about Tia. But she also told me her program was going 4-days next year. So, I came home overwhelmed by all this knowledge and worried about what to do and stuff. I talked to Gaupo and he loving listened to me and talked to me about what to do and so I settled down for a bit and we moved on to something else, but the emotions were still there. Well, the night went on and my emotions got heightened even more and I got frustrated that something didn't work the way it should and I lost it. I mean LOST IT! I was so frustrated with myself. I didn't feel like I was a good mom and wife. I didn't think I could care for my kids and my home. I didn't feel empowered to make decisions or to do with my life what I should. I was a sobbing emotional mess. Poor Gaupo. I have cried on him before but not under these circumstances. He kept asking what is wrong. To which he always got the reply "I DON'T KNOW!" I gave him a litany of reasons why I was feeling this way. They were the ones listed above about not eating well, not excising, birth control, messy home, and confusion. I told him I didn't feel right. I said, "I am spending so much time of Social Media." (it was more than normal by a lot) I can't focus or plan. I can't make commitments, etc. Then he said what is causing it. "I don't know. We have had so much that I don't exactly know, but I think it might be birth control because I feel like that is when it started." He said, "You need to call the doctor tomorrow morning, and I will take off whatever time you need to get this sorted out." So, I said I would and cried and feel apart for awhile long and then went to bed.
The next morning I woke up and I felt a lot better. I didn't feel perfect, but I felt present. I laughed because I felt like it not because it was the thing to do in the conversation. I was feeling more empowered than I had in many days. So, I got going still a little slow, but better. I got the girls to school and then went and parked at the library to wait for Kylee's field trip and called the doctor. I actually got to talk to a nurse right away which is really unusual. She but in the request to the doctor about a change in birth control and then she asked if we could do a depression screening. "Yes!" I wanted to know because if I did I needed help I was so done being a zombie mom. Anyway, I did the screening and scored moderate. (The scale is mild, moderate, moderate/severe, and severe) The nurse assured me just because it was moderate didn't mean that it wasn't real or causing problems. So, she gave me the mental health number and said if I wanted I could make an appointment. Well, I then had to go to the field trip and talk to Gaupo a bit before it. But, then when I wen to pick-up Tia I scheduled the appointment. The earliest opening they had was March 21st. So I made the appointment. By this point in the day (11:00), I could start to feel myself dipping again. I din't dip as bad as previous days and managed to schedule a vision appointment too. I also talked to my doctor about what was going on and switch birth controls. Which I picked up while my friend Siri watch my kids. Then we went to her house and had pizza and chatted. So, it ended good. I was still not all right, but much better. Every day since then I have been getting better and yesterday and today I have felt normal. So, I am hoping that have a huge explosion of emotion and the switching of medicine have cured it, because I love feeling happy. I love having plans and enjoying things. I love being with my kids. I have loved being outside in the sunshine, riding bikes, running, and just doing whatever.
I don't know if I am all better, but I hope so. I am so impressed by the people who fight/live with depression everyday and survive. I know many days they don't feel like they are surviving, but they made it. After having gone through this I am amazed because when depression kicks in even the simple stuff like a ponytail is hard or not good enough. The feelings of anxiety, imperfection, and not being good enough are so really and potent. They are so consuming. So, for people who have more than me I can't even imagine because just the three weeks of it that I had were so hard in a very unique way.
I am so grateful I have a husband who didn't totally freak when I I completely crumbled into an inconsolable mess. I am grateful to have a good morning, so I could talk to a nurse and get some questions and see and look at some of the things I had been struggling with. I am grateful that when I told my mom she didn't freak out on me either instead she said she was proud of me. That I was amazing for just admitting I was struggling. I am grateful that simple things have seem to make it all better. I am grateful for a family who loves me and keeps going even when I can't keep it together. I am seriously so blessed and though I never ever want to feel that way again, it truly opened my eyes to how real and debilitating mental illness can be. It creeps in so slowly that if your not aware it gets out of control. I have greater compassion. Sometimes crazy things give us clearer vision and better foundations. I am so grateful that the Lord is in charge because his plan for me is making me better/different/stronger/humbler than I ever thought possible.
About 3 weeks ago, I started feeling funny. I know that isn't a great word for it because it isn't like sick feeling, but an emotional thing. So, I sometimes feel separated from what I am doing. I mean I go through the actions of being a mom: I wake up, get dressed, eat, get my kids where they should go, etc. but instead of actually being apart of all that I feel like I am watching it though a glass wall and for some reason can not connect with it. Usually this feeling is when I am sleep deprived or going through some kind of hormone change, so I didn't really pay attention to it because I was going though a hormone change. However, this time it lasted and it got worse. It happened gradually, so I didn't know it was really happening. I started making excuses for why I couldn't go running/exercise and they were ligit but I also wasn't even trying to figure out how to do. I starting eating a lot more carbs and sweets than normal. Which if any of you know me that is a lot because I eat those thing a lot normally. I attributed these things to me having them around because I made them for other people, and while that was true I couldn't really get myself to stop either. As a little more time progressed, I had a hard time getting out of bed and then couldn't wait to get back there at night and then I sometimes had a hard time falling asleep. Then it kept getting worse. I couldn't schedule my life. I seriously could not get myself to make appointments because of 'time' and or 'money.' I didn't really want to play with my kids I wanted them to play by themselves all the time. Then on top of all of that I started to get anxiety over Tia. Now I know your saying well you always do that, but this was different. I was ready to take her out of school because I thought she could handle it. Now, if you read this and you think oh that is me every day. That is most likely fine, some people truly operate that way, but that is so not me. I know its not me because I am most the time a pretty positive person, I enjoy laughing, and talking and usually talking boosts me, but I wasn't any of those things. I was too concerned with what was wrong or not perfect in my life. This was not me you just have to trust me.
So, last Wednesday it all came to a volcanic eruption. It started on Tuesday night. When I was worried that when I picked Tia up she was cuddly and stuff and the week before she cried when we left. I was worried I was doing the wrong thing of sending her to school and that she wasn't ready and that she was having a horrible time and blah blah blah. Then on Wednesday, I had a day. It was an okay day not great but not terrible, but I was feeling crummy about it. Then I went to a parent/teacher conference for Tia. The teacher was a great she told me she loved Tia and that she thought that she was such a sweet girl. Yes, she needs lots of redirection, but she is trying. She is ready for preschool. She tries hard to be good and all this other great stuff about Tia. But she also told me her program was going 4-days next year. So, I came home overwhelmed by all this knowledge and worried about what to do and stuff. I talked to Gaupo and he loving listened to me and talked to me about what to do and so I settled down for a bit and we moved on to something else, but the emotions were still there. Well, the night went on and my emotions got heightened even more and I got frustrated that something didn't work the way it should and I lost it. I mean LOST IT! I was so frustrated with myself. I didn't feel like I was a good mom and wife. I didn't think I could care for my kids and my home. I didn't feel empowered to make decisions or to do with my life what I should. I was a sobbing emotional mess. Poor Gaupo. I have cried on him before but not under these circumstances. He kept asking what is wrong. To which he always got the reply "I DON'T KNOW!" I gave him a litany of reasons why I was feeling this way. They were the ones listed above about not eating well, not excising, birth control, messy home, and confusion. I told him I didn't feel right. I said, "I am spending so much time of Social Media." (it was more than normal by a lot) I can't focus or plan. I can't make commitments, etc. Then he said what is causing it. "I don't know. We have had so much that I don't exactly know, but I think it might be birth control because I feel like that is when it started." He said, "You need to call the doctor tomorrow morning, and I will take off whatever time you need to get this sorted out." So, I said I would and cried and feel apart for awhile long and then went to bed.
The next morning I woke up and I felt a lot better. I didn't feel perfect, but I felt present. I laughed because I felt like it not because it was the thing to do in the conversation. I was feeling more empowered than I had in many days. So, I got going still a little slow, but better. I got the girls to school and then went and parked at the library to wait for Kylee's field trip and called the doctor. I actually got to talk to a nurse right away which is really unusual. She but in the request to the doctor about a change in birth control and then she asked if we could do a depression screening. "Yes!" I wanted to know because if I did I needed help I was so done being a zombie mom. Anyway, I did the screening and scored moderate. (The scale is mild, moderate, moderate/severe, and severe) The nurse assured me just because it was moderate didn't mean that it wasn't real or causing problems. So, she gave me the mental health number and said if I wanted I could make an appointment. Well, I then had to go to the field trip and talk to Gaupo a bit before it. But, then when I wen to pick-up Tia I scheduled the appointment. The earliest opening they had was March 21st. So I made the appointment. By this point in the day (11:00), I could start to feel myself dipping again. I din't dip as bad as previous days and managed to schedule a vision appointment too. I also talked to my doctor about what was going on and switch birth controls. Which I picked up while my friend Siri watch my kids. Then we went to her house and had pizza and chatted. So, it ended good. I was still not all right, but much better. Every day since then I have been getting better and yesterday and today I have felt normal. So, I am hoping that have a huge explosion of emotion and the switching of medicine have cured it, because I love feeling happy. I love having plans and enjoying things. I love being with my kids. I have loved being outside in the sunshine, riding bikes, running, and just doing whatever.
I don't know if I am all better, but I hope so. I am so impressed by the people who fight/live with depression everyday and survive. I know many days they don't feel like they are surviving, but they made it. After having gone through this I am amazed because when depression kicks in even the simple stuff like a ponytail is hard or not good enough. The feelings of anxiety, imperfection, and not being good enough are so really and potent. They are so consuming. So, for people who have more than me I can't even imagine because just the three weeks of it that I had were so hard in a very unique way.
I am so grateful I have a husband who didn't totally freak when I I completely crumbled into an inconsolable mess. I am grateful to have a good morning, so I could talk to a nurse and get some questions and see and look at some of the things I had been struggling with. I am grateful that when I told my mom she didn't freak out on me either instead she said she was proud of me. That I was amazing for just admitting I was struggling. I am grateful that simple things have seem to make it all better. I am grateful for a family who loves me and keeps going even when I can't keep it together. I am seriously so blessed and though I never ever want to feel that way again, it truly opened my eyes to how real and debilitating mental illness can be. It creeps in so slowly that if your not aware it gets out of control. I have greater compassion. Sometimes crazy things give us clearer vision and better foundations. I am so grateful that the Lord is in charge because his plan for me is making me better/different/stronger/humbler than I ever thought possible.
Thinking about you. I know the whole depression bit is NOT easy. I've been there, more than once. If you ever want to talk, let me know. :) (And Jeff knows how your husband feels...poor guys)
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