Fall is Here

So last week was full to the brim with all kinds of things. I had something almost every night last week. I had relief society meeting, visiting teaching, stake auxiliary training, baby shower, and ward Halloween party. I also managed to can 28 pints of applesauce. It was so crazy, but also very good. It is good to be busy with things that are worth my time. I know I should probably write about all that stuff, but really all I want to write about is yesterday.

Yesterday, Monday, was a great day. We started off the morning a little late. That has been happening a lot lately. I blame it on the cold and dark. Anyway, I asked Kylee if she wanted to run in the stroller or go to babysitting at the Rec Center. She chose babysitting. After I asked her, I really wanted to go outside but caved and we went to the Rec Center. It was actually really nice to run in my own little world. I ran three miles. It was slow, but I did run the whole thing. Then because we had already had breakfast we took our sweet time leaving. I let the girls run a lap on the track and then let them go through the bike rack several times before heading home. Once home we decided to go to the park. It was such a beautiful fall day. The sun was shinning, it wasn't cold, and the wind wasn't blowing. We had fun at the park doing normal park things like swinging, digging in the sand, and playing on the slides. Then we had to get home for speech.

However, on the way home I decided to let the girls experience walking in crunchy leaves. I LOVE walking in leaves and listening to them crunch. It is definitely my favorite part of fall. So, we were running/walking through the leaves and Kylee found an almost already made pile of leaves. Of course being the good mom that I am we had to stop and play. We threw them around, made the pile bigger, jumped in them, and buried each other in them. This made us a little late for speech, but luckily she was a little late too, so it worked out.

Tia playing with our new sand toy. This picture was about a week ago.

Kylee and Tia with leaves.

Getting ready to jump.

Speech is really good for us. One the girls love it and two it helps me be able to help Tia. Tia really getting quite noisy now. She can make many sounds/words like Go, Da (down), Ba (this is a sound and can mean ball), Ma, Help, Dad, Mom, yes, fish, food, keys, and O. She is still working on using these words without prompting, but she can say all of them quite well along with say 'ruff' for what a dog says. I love hearing this little girl talk and as she gets better I really feel like she gets less frustrated with us and life.

After speech, which included lunch it was nap time. After nap time, Kylee really wanted to fly a kite. Well the wind wasn't blowing, but I really couldn't get the idea out of her head, so we went outside to fly a kite. She loved running all over the hills by the high school with her kite following behind. Tia didn't really get what was such a big deal and it was hard work, so she was getting grumpy. However, Kylee was enthralled with it. I did convince her to go home and just play which worked out good, because our neighbor Brian had just gotten home so he came over to play with us for awhile. Finally, after all the playing it was time to make dinner. We made Trick-or-Treat turnovers, to start off this Halloween week and they were as good as ever.

Kylee 'flying' her kite.

Tia, Me, and Kylee patting out the turnovers.

The first of the Halloween meals.

After dinner, we carved pumpkins. I don't remember doing it last year. I am sure we did, but I know Tia didn't help. This year we gave both girls their own pumpkin. Kylee was totally into helping me clean it out, coloring it, and then eventually helping me know how to carve it. Tia on the other hand was all into carving, but screamed anytime the slimy stuff touched her. So, she got it stuck to her foot once and almost started crying, but calmed down. It was so funny. I guess the texture was just too much for her.

Kylee and Tia with their pumpkins.

It was such a great fall day. I really loved it.

Our Weekend--Derek's Graveside

Our weekend began Thursday after swim lessons. As soon as Kylee was out of the pool, we head to the mortuary to pick up Derek and then we were on our way to Idaho. The drive was thankfully uneventful and the girls did great. We saved a movie for the last part of the drive, and it really did procrastinate the impatient crankiness that is just inevitable after being in the car for 8.5 hours. Finally, around 7:20 we were in Swanlake. It was so good to get there. Grandma made us funky chicken and potatoes. It was super tasty and nice to have after a day of fast food/ trip food. We did visit quite a bit the night, and Gaupo worked on his homework a little, but eventually we all had to just give it up and go to bed.

I was worried about Friday. It was Derek's graveside. I was so worried that I would just lose it completely, that things wouldn't turnout right, that I would have regrets, or a bunch of awful things like that. However, it was perfect. We had a great breakfast to kickoff the day. I got some time by myself to read scriptures. In one of the verses, it mentioned afflictions and I took a detour in the tropical guide and found a couple of treasures.

1. Every time the righteous have trials and afflictions the Lord is with them. Not every time did he make them go away, or even lighten them. However, every time he was there to bless and help them. They were never alone. 
2. The scriptures in Alma about the Savior knowing how to succor his people according to the flesh. He knew about life and the pains and trial that each one of us would face, not that a mass of people would face, but that every ONE of us would. Because of the atonement he know how to help us according to the flesh. To me that means he really knows what I need in every way.
3. The part of the Atonement where Jesus took our burdens upon us. I was kind of wondering at this point why I hadn't lost my mind, or fallen completely apart and been an inconsolable mess. Or why I really did feel okay and peaceful and that even though it was/is hard that its also okay. True I wonder all the time about Derek and what would have been, but I know that because of the atonement he has literally shared this burden with me. I have not had the whole thing and because of that I can still enjoy life. I can still move forward with faith, hope, and knowledge. 

So, that scripture time really gave me what I needed for the day. We headed up to the cemetery around 10:00. I meant to be quite a bit early, but it didn't happen so we were just on time, but since it really couldn't start without us I guess we were on time. The actual graveside turned out just the way I had hoped. It was a beautiful day. Clear and warm. The perfect day (at least in my mind) for this little guys graveside. I don't need miserable weather on an already rough day.

For the service, Guapo conducted. Then we sang I Am a Child of God. Then Grandma (Gaupo's mom) gave the opening prayer. Then my Grandpa said a few words. It was wonderful. It was all about the eternal nature of families, eternal life, and that it was okay and natural for me to wonder what Derek would be doing, or how our family would be with him here. After my Grandpa spoke, Kylee sang a special number. She sang I Lived in Heaven. She sang all three verses with no help. It was perfect. I originally wanted her to sing I Know my Savior Loves Me. However, when I asked her if she wanted to sing at Derek's graveside she said yes, but she wanted to sing a different song. I asked her which one and she said I Lived in Heaven. I thought for sure on the day of the graveside she would back out, or change, but nope. That little girl knew what she wanted to do and didn't deviate and did a perfect job. Then Grandpa Merrill (Gaupo's Dad) dedicated the grave. We had a closing song, Familes are Forever. Then Grandma Hammond (Gaupo's Grandma) gave the closing prayer. Really, it was so awesome. Everything was beautiful and peaceful. 

After the graveside, we headed back the house. We had hoggie sandwiches for lunch. Which is so perfect. Hoggies are like my favorite thing. If you have good meat, cheese, and bread I am sure I could eat them everyday. So, we enjoyed food, and family. Then I got the girls down for a nap. When Kylee woke up we went up to the pond, so she could go fishing. That little girls is getting pretty good at casting and reeling. She loves fishing.

Kylee in her skirt fishing.

Grandma and I also took her in the paddle boat with her cousins and they all enjoyed that. Except maybe Arlen. I think he wanted to, but was still just a little nervous about it all. Anyway, super fun. When we came down from the pond we had snacks, and said good-bye to the Anderson's. Then we went on a "real" four-wheeler ride. For Kylee, this has to at least be up to the pond and back. We actually went out farther and I have decided that for me almost nothing is quite as therapeutic as four-wheeler rides in the quite county. It was so wonderful. The rest of the day was just spent enjoying. Gaupo and I did go back up to the grave around 5:00, just to make sure everything was squared away, but once home we had dinner and then sent the girls to bed. Then we just talked.

Saturday, we got up and going. We had breakfast and then left the girls with Grandma and went to Pocotello. I would like to say it was a for fun alone trip, but no it was business. We went and picked out Derek's headstone. I think we did a good job and I am very excited to see it complete. After we did that, we went to Winco and picked up food for a cookout and went home. We got home in time for lunch, which was tacos. Oh man, I love beans and meat on a tortilla. It was sooo good. Then it was naptime for the girls. I rested a little although, Kylee was being rather noisy and not taking a nap, so that was rough. (Sleep on this trip was just rough) However, after naps we rode up to the pond to help de-fly the cabin. We did the best we could then Grandpa sprayed fly killer in and we left to go home and collect all the stuff. We got it all rounded up and head up to the pond. It was pretty windy, but Kylee still got some fishing in. She wanted a boat ride too, but the water was too choppy, I was afraid we would get stuck out there. Tammi, Doug, Debbie, Wes, and a few of Tammi and Doug's kids joined us. It was fun. Around 7:30 we headed back to give the girls baths and bed. Everyone else followed shortly after because it started raining and they wanted to make sure they could get down the road. So, after the girls were in bed we visited and played games until everyone left and then we went to bed.

Sunday was good. Everyone in Swanlake told us how sorry they were and how they wished they could be at the service. They were so sweet. I played the piano for sacrament. I am really rusty, but it was really good to play. Church went good. Kylee loved primary and Tia really wishes they had a nursery, but it all worked out good. Then we went home had dinner and naps. Then Gaupo, the girls, and I went down to Granpa-Great's house to visit him. As always, it was way too short. This time it was my girls pulling me away, but I am sure glad I got to see him. I really wish I lived closer so I could visit longer and more often. Grandpa-great is such a wonderful man who is solid in is testimony of the gospel. It never ceases to amaze me. When we got home we had dinner and then got the girls down. Then we visited for a long time and went to bed.

Monday was definitely the hardest day. It was rainy and cold and we had to leave. It was so hard to leave. So much of me wanted to stay. It wasn't as hard as leaving Derek in the hospital, but it was still hard. It was hard to say good-bye to family and to leave my precious boy's body their trusting the Lord to watch over it. Not only was a it hard to say good-bye, but then I had the long drive to let me mind think way to much. It was kind of a rough day, but eventually Gaupo and I got wrapped up in a book and the time passed and we were home. It is good to be home. 

Being home is really nice. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and everything looks good, so I got the ok to resume regular activity WAHOOO!! wanna know the bummer...its super rainy and cold. Oh well, I can now care for my kids the way I like to. I honestly feel like I have more energy which is good, because I just got called this Sunday to be the 2nd Counselor in the Relief Society. So, life is busy which is good. I still have time to think, but not too much time. I love reading the scriptures and the Ensign. It is kind of weird looking back on all that has happened because much of it seems like an eternity ago, but I am amazed at how I feel like I have grown in the last month. Life is good, live it.

Lights in the Darkness

My last post was proudly announcing my third child, our beautiful little boy. Shortly after I wrote that post, I sent an email to my doctor about how I hadn't felt movement in awhile and wondered if that was normal. Well, it isn't and I went to the doctor and found out my little boy's heart was not beating. That was a blow let me tell you. I had anticipated with such joy our little boy coming home, finding his sisters to be oh so funny. I was looking forward to finding out how rough three kids was going to be. However, that is not the case at least not right now. I truly believe that families can be together forever. So, although my little boy couldn't come right now, I believe he will always and forever be my little boy.

I don't really want to go into everything on here, but after Derek's delivery recovery seemed to be going great. However about 5 or 6 days later I started having heavy bleeding. I went to the doctor. They did an ultrasound and say some 'stuff' still in the uterus and recommended a D and C. We felt good about following their recommendation and went in. However, during the procedure I started bleeding. They were able to get it stopped, but I lost over a liter of blood. Consequently, I had to stay at the hospital and had all the warnings they give before the procedure look like they might be a reality. But, the Lord in His mercy let the bleeding stay stopped, so nothing else bad happened. 

With those two stories there are a lot of question and a lot of things that could have led to a lot of darkness, despair and doubt but lucky there are so many tender mercies in these stories and that is what I want to share here, because no matter how bad things seemed or how scary the possibilities were I knew I wasn't alone. I knew God had a plan for me and my family and if I would put my trust in him then no matter what happened everything would turn out right.

My Lights (no particular order):

1. Timing: if something like this was going to happen right now the timing was amazing. We hadn't started preparing really. I stopped potty training Tia. My sister moved to Colorado one month prior. Gaupo had a job were we have sick time and bereavement time, so we didn't have to worry about work. Gaupo was ahead in his school work. Really a bunch of tender mercies.

2. Priesthood Blessings: When I found out about Derek, Gaupo and I both received blessings that night from very trusted friends. Those blessing brought a clarity, peace, and hope that were completely amazing. Often times they are the hope I cling to when I really want to fear instead of have faith, or when I want to question or doubt. 

3. Doctors and Nurses. I know it sounds really crazy but I met a ton of doctors. No one doctor did everything on me. I count this a blessing because they were all good doctors, but all different and handle situations a little differently. The doctor that delivered Derek was very cautious and thorough. I feel like he did the very best he could and really save me from what would have been super major complications. The second set of eyes he had did a good job in making sure things looked right. My nurse that night was exactly who I needed. She didn't push anything, but let me know everything I needed to and explained it very well. She was understanding of me and gave me some of the best advice..."We are all people with opinions about what we would do in your place, but in reality we aren't you and we have never been in your place. You have to do what is right for you." This has helped me a lot. The doctor who made the recommendation for the D and C I believe made the best decision he could and was good for check-out. The doctor who did the actual surgery I believe was who I needed. I just really feel like even though these things happened to me, I really did get the right care for me.

 4. My moments with Derek. I will forever treasure the time I had with him in the hospital. I will also treasure the time I with our little family there too. It was quite amazing to watch my girls with their little brother. I don't want to go too much into it, but what a wonderful thing.

5. My mom. My mom was not able to come when I actually had Derek, but my sister was here. However, she was able to be here when I needed her most, during recovery and second surgery. It is a true tender mercy that even though she is working, was wondering when my sister would deliver, and many responsibilities with her calling in the church. She was able to be out here with me. I needed her and my girls needed her. 

6. The Gospel. This really should have been toward the top, but it is also here because it is truly what has held me together. I do have a warning to be careful what you pray for, but my testimony of Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, Eternity, and Families is stronger than ever. I love the peace the gospel bring. I love the comfort and peace the Holy Ghost can bring to my heart, mind, and life. 

7. The Atonement of Jesus Christ. I feel that even though I have hard time. There are times that hurt, that are dark, and that are scary. However, I feel that through the atonement the pain is lessened, the darkness is soon overcome by light, and that as I rely on the Savior and Heavenly Father I can walk by faith. The atonement is real and as always in grander and more encompassing than I previously thought.

Stay true. Miracles happen both big and small. God still lives and cares for his children here on earth. Life is full of joy and light--find it and live in it.

Our little family. Pardon all the weird looks we just don't do pictures very well. Although, we are still so cute!