Lights in the Darkness

My last post was proudly announcing my third child, our beautiful little boy. Shortly after I wrote that post, I sent an email to my doctor about how I hadn't felt movement in awhile and wondered if that was normal. Well, it isn't and I went to the doctor and found out my little boy's heart was not beating. That was a blow let me tell you. I had anticipated with such joy our little boy coming home, finding his sisters to be oh so funny. I was looking forward to finding out how rough three kids was going to be. However, that is not the case at least not right now. I truly believe that families can be together forever. So, although my little boy couldn't come right now, I believe he will always and forever be my little boy.

I don't really want to go into everything on here, but after Derek's delivery recovery seemed to be going great. However about 5 or 6 days later I started having heavy bleeding. I went to the doctor. They did an ultrasound and say some 'stuff' still in the uterus and recommended a D and C. We felt good about following their recommendation and went in. However, during the procedure I started bleeding. They were able to get it stopped, but I lost over a liter of blood. Consequently, I had to stay at the hospital and had all the warnings they give before the procedure look like they might be a reality. But, the Lord in His mercy let the bleeding stay stopped, so nothing else bad happened. 

With those two stories there are a lot of question and a lot of things that could have led to a lot of darkness, despair and doubt but lucky there are so many tender mercies in these stories and that is what I want to share here, because no matter how bad things seemed or how scary the possibilities were I knew I wasn't alone. I knew God had a plan for me and my family and if I would put my trust in him then no matter what happened everything would turn out right.

My Lights (no particular order):

1. Timing: if something like this was going to happen right now the timing was amazing. We hadn't started preparing really. I stopped potty training Tia. My sister moved to Colorado one month prior. Gaupo had a job were we have sick time and bereavement time, so we didn't have to worry about work. Gaupo was ahead in his school work. Really a bunch of tender mercies.

2. Priesthood Blessings: When I found out about Derek, Gaupo and I both received blessings that night from very trusted friends. Those blessing brought a clarity, peace, and hope that were completely amazing. Often times they are the hope I cling to when I really want to fear instead of have faith, or when I want to question or doubt. 

3. Doctors and Nurses. I know it sounds really crazy but I met a ton of doctors. No one doctor did everything on me. I count this a blessing because they were all good doctors, but all different and handle situations a little differently. The doctor that delivered Derek was very cautious and thorough. I feel like he did the very best he could and really save me from what would have been super major complications. The second set of eyes he had did a good job in making sure things looked right. My nurse that night was exactly who I needed. She didn't push anything, but let me know everything I needed to and explained it very well. She was understanding of me and gave me some of the best advice..."We are all people with opinions about what we would do in your place, but in reality we aren't you and we have never been in your place. You have to do what is right for you." This has helped me a lot. The doctor who made the recommendation for the D and C I believe made the best decision he could and was good for check-out. The doctor who did the actual surgery I believe was who I needed. I just really feel like even though these things happened to me, I really did get the right care for me.

 4. My moments with Derek. I will forever treasure the time I had with him in the hospital. I will also treasure the time I with our little family there too. It was quite amazing to watch my girls with their little brother. I don't want to go too much into it, but what a wonderful thing.

5. My mom. My mom was not able to come when I actually had Derek, but my sister was here. However, she was able to be here when I needed her most, during recovery and second surgery. It is a true tender mercy that even though she is working, was wondering when my sister would deliver, and many responsibilities with her calling in the church. She was able to be out here with me. I needed her and my girls needed her. 

6. The Gospel. This really should have been toward the top, but it is also here because it is truly what has held me together. I do have a warning to be careful what you pray for, but my testimony of Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, Eternity, and Families is stronger than ever. I love the peace the gospel bring. I love the comfort and peace the Holy Ghost can bring to my heart, mind, and life. 

7. The Atonement of Jesus Christ. I feel that even though I have hard time. There are times that hurt, that are dark, and that are scary. However, I feel that through the atonement the pain is lessened, the darkness is soon overcome by light, and that as I rely on the Savior and Heavenly Father I can walk by faith. The atonement is real and as always in grander and more encompassing than I previously thought.

Stay true. Miracles happen both big and small. God still lives and cares for his children here on earth. Life is full of joy and light--find it and live in it.

Our little family. Pardon all the weird looks we just don't do pictures very well. Although, we are still so cute!