**I tried not to get too detail, but if I did get a little too detailed for you I am sorry.
So, Christmas was great it truly was, but during all the travel, holiday prep, and Christmas was something else. That something else was suppose to be a joyful announcement that after what felt like an eternity (only 6 months of trying) I was finally pregnant. However, I went into the doctor on Dec. 13th for my first prenatal check. I would have been about 8ish weeks. I went in hoping that the reason I was not feeling really tired and stuff was just because I had a lot going on, remember we were sick and that I was being blessed to have the energy I needed. Well, as you probably can now guess that was not the case. The nurse practitioner did an ultrasound and could not find the heartbeat and the baby was measuring really small, but it was there and in the right place. So, she told me she wasn't sure if it was alive or not and that I could get some blood work done to give an idea if I had lost the baby or not, or I could wait a week come back for an ultrasound and then we would know for sure. So, with that news I called Gaupo and told him that the ultrasound had not gone well and I would probably be miscarrying. Then we proceeded to discuss if we should go to AZ or not, because WHAT IF something happened while we were traveling, plus we were already considering not going do to sickness. After our discussion about that and if I should go do the blood work, he recommended I call my mom.
So, Christmas was great it truly was, but during all the travel, holiday prep, and Christmas was something else. That something else was suppose to be a joyful announcement that after what felt like an eternity (only 6 months of trying) I was finally pregnant. However, I went into the doctor on Dec. 13th for my first prenatal check. I would have been about 8ish weeks. I went in hoping that the reason I was not feeling really tired and stuff was just because I had a lot going on, remember we were sick and that I was being blessed to have the energy I needed. Well, as you probably can now guess that was not the case. The nurse practitioner did an ultrasound and could not find the heartbeat and the baby was measuring really small, but it was there and in the right place. So, she told me she wasn't sure if it was alive or not and that I could get some blood work done to give an idea if I had lost the baby or not, or I could wait a week come back for an ultrasound and then we would know for sure. So, with that news I called Gaupo and told him that the ultrasound had not gone well and I would probably be miscarrying. Then we proceeded to discuss if we should go to AZ or not, because WHAT IF something happened while we were traveling, plus we were already considering not going do to sickness. After our discussion about that and if I should go do the blood work, he recommended I call my mom.
I did call my mom. She was great and supportive. We talked together, cried together, and cried some more, My mom is a brave and strong woman and even though she wanted to see us super bad she knows how scary miscarrying can be thought that it might be best if we stayed home, but I should definitely do the blood work. With that advice and love I drove right to the lab for the first blood draw. I had to wait because they didn't order it in the 25 minutes or so that it took me to drive there, but luckily we got it and did the test and went home. I turned on Curious George for Tia and looked at the cancellation policy for our flights. I could get a voucher for the amount, but we had to use it before February 13th. That was great minus the little fact, we really had no time to travel between now and then. So, I just thought about it and waited for Gaupo to come home so we could really talk about it.
By the time Gaupo got home for lunch, I was bleeding and had a call into the doctor. They called me back and said that it was probably just spotting from the vaginal check, but also gave me a heads up of what to expect if I was starting to miscarry. So, Gaupo and I talked about vacation plans and what to do. We couldn't come up with a for sure answer, so we took a nap and went on with the day. Gaupo had to work late that night, so I think I blogged. To be honest I am not sure what I did except that the next day was the day we were celebrating Tia's birthday, so I made her birthday sign and got the balloons out. Then Gaupo came home I am sure I badgered him about vacation again, but once again couldn't quite get ourselves to cancel it and it came down to the fact that we didn't feel like it would be bad if we went, so we decided to go ahead and go.
We all slept in on Wednesday a little, but managed to wake up and get Gaupo off to work in the nick of time. All morning I kind of thought about what to do, but had pretty much decided to go to AZ. I decided that what I needed more than anything was my family. Even if I had tons of pain and bleeding why would I want to be alone in Colorado. I know that is so selfish because I totally would have ruined the time we had together, but I really couldn't stand the thought of if nothing happened to wait here for it to happen by myself (Guapo, Tia, and Kylee included in the myself). So, Kitt got here Wednesday around lunch and shortly after she got here I told her what was up. I told her about the baby, about being sick, and that we were going to AZ anyway. She acted like a champ. She was shocked, supportive, and great. Anyway, by this time I knew my bleeding was not spotting because it started again and was acting more like a period this time. So, we celebrated Tia's birthday as you know. Then Thursday morning I rushed to the lab for the blood draw while Kitt finished some work and Gaupo watched the kids. Then we went to AZ which is in the other post. It was a great trip. I bled the whole time, but besides being sick with a super sore throat it was normal and great. (tender mercy) I did also receive the call from the lab telling me that my hormone levels had dropped from about 10,000 to 7,000. (They would have gone up with a viable pregnancy.)
We got back from AZ and things were just in vacation mode. I had a follow-up doctor visit on that Thrusday (22nd). I was pretty sure what the doctor was going to say so I didn't make Gaupo go. The doctor did another ultrasound and found the baby but it hadn't grown and still didn't have a heart beat, and so he said he would say that the baby was dead. So, then of course he said I had choice of what I could do. I could have another D&C, take some medicine that made the uterus contract, or just wait and see if my body would do it on its own. I knew for sure that I did not want a D&C, and I had considered taking the medication, but I knew that my body could do this it just needed time. I told the doctor that I would just see if my body could handle it. He said that was fine, but he couldn't tell me when it was going to happen, so it could happen anytime. I was fine with that because other than loving my kids I didn't have any plans. After all that we went home and lived life.
Like I said in the Christmas post we got everything ready for Christmas and had a great Christmas. My bleeding was steady, but nothing heavy and no cramping. That is until Christmas night. That night Gaupo and I played games till a little after nine and then were headed to bed. I told Gaupo that I was pretty sure that I was starting to cramp and that this was the real deal. I was pretty sure it would finish tonight. However, me being me decided to get ready for bed and thought myself well I am sure if it gets bad I will wake up. Well, I didn't wake up and I did indeed finish miscarrying the baby. There was a lot of blood, but I knew that my body had done what it needed to do.
A couple days later I went in for the final ultrasound to make sure everything had cleaned out properly. It had and now all I have to do is wait for the bleeding to stop (I think it is finishing up) and have a negative pregnancy test and then things should all be ready for what we want to do next.
I am so sorry if that is too much information for any of you, but I needed to write it down because one day someone might need to know what happened. My girls might need to know that I did indeed go through some things that were not what I had planned, but its okay. The Lord has a plan and even though I really, really wanted a baby to come home from the hospital with us and live in our home in 9 months and that didn't happen Heavenly Father was in the detail of this experience. I know most people would think that Christmas is such an awful time to lose a baby and its definitely not great, but I don't think there is ever a good time for it. Anyway, this year it happened to be the perfect time because I wasn't alone. I was with my family for a few days and then with the holidays when they were Gaupo was home more from work and I had my kids to myself. We could cuddle up with books, sleep in, eat breakfast late, and just chill with just us. It was perfect it is exactly what I needed to help me though this. I need people, especially my family and they were able to be with me. Also, the Lord know that I am a terrible waiter. Waiting for labor to start with Derek was so annoying, so I feel very blessed that I was not awake for when the cramping got bad and then waiting for it to finish. I feel so blessed that Gaupo was home the next day, so I could take care of things and not have to watch the kids on my own. There are so many things that were just so perfect. The story itself is not, but the fine detail are. Heavenly Father knows me and my family and he is taking care of us.
I don't know the Lord's plan and I hope that sometime in this life I will get to bring another sweet spirit home to live and grow and be a sibling to the sweet girls I already have, but I don't know the timing of all that. I honestly don't know why this one didn't make it and why we have to keep waiting, but I do know that I have learned a lot. I thought Gaupo and I had grown close with Derek and we did, but I think we have grown a little closer through this too. My love for my children and Trent and Tori has grown. I have had the reminder to slow down and enjoy them. To take time to cuddle, to talk, to read, to explain, and to love. God did not create the storms in my life, but He prepares and helps me through them. I know He loves me.
And just in case your wondering how I am doing, I am doing really well. It is taking awhile to get back on track. It is now about a month since I found out my baby probably wouldn't make it and I am barely starting to get my life back on track. I have started working out again. This week was the first week I have done more than one day. I have actually made dinner a couple times this week, which has been really hard to focus on before. I still have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and seizing that beautiful time of day, but hey after a month I feel like the steps I have made this week are worth commending. So, we are getting back to normal, slowly but surely. Don't forget--God love me and you and he takes care of us in good time and bad. We just have to wait on Him.
Together Forever. Families are Forever.
Like I said in the Christmas post we got everything ready for Christmas and had a great Christmas. My bleeding was steady, but nothing heavy and no cramping. That is until Christmas night. That night Gaupo and I played games till a little after nine and then were headed to bed. I told Gaupo that I was pretty sure that I was starting to cramp and that this was the real deal. I was pretty sure it would finish tonight. However, me being me decided to get ready for bed and thought myself well I am sure if it gets bad I will wake up. Well, I didn't wake up and I did indeed finish miscarrying the baby. There was a lot of blood, but I knew that my body had done what it needed to do.
A couple days later I went in for the final ultrasound to make sure everything had cleaned out properly. It had and now all I have to do is wait for the bleeding to stop (I think it is finishing up) and have a negative pregnancy test and then things should all be ready for what we want to do next.
I am so sorry if that is too much information for any of you, but I needed to write it down because one day someone might need to know what happened. My girls might need to know that I did indeed go through some things that were not what I had planned, but its okay. The Lord has a plan and even though I really, really wanted a baby to come home from the hospital with us and live in our home in 9 months and that didn't happen Heavenly Father was in the detail of this experience. I know most people would think that Christmas is such an awful time to lose a baby and its definitely not great, but I don't think there is ever a good time for it. Anyway, this year it happened to be the perfect time because I wasn't alone. I was with my family for a few days and then with the holidays when they were Gaupo was home more from work and I had my kids to myself. We could cuddle up with books, sleep in, eat breakfast late, and just chill with just us. It was perfect it is exactly what I needed to help me though this. I need people, especially my family and they were able to be with me. Also, the Lord know that I am a terrible waiter. Waiting for labor to start with Derek was so annoying, so I feel very blessed that I was not awake for when the cramping got bad and then waiting for it to finish. I feel so blessed that Gaupo was home the next day, so I could take care of things and not have to watch the kids on my own. There are so many things that were just so perfect. The story itself is not, but the fine detail are. Heavenly Father knows me and my family and he is taking care of us.
I don't know the Lord's plan and I hope that sometime in this life I will get to bring another sweet spirit home to live and grow and be a sibling to the sweet girls I already have, but I don't know the timing of all that. I honestly don't know why this one didn't make it and why we have to keep waiting, but I do know that I have learned a lot. I thought Gaupo and I had grown close with Derek and we did, but I think we have grown a little closer through this too. My love for my children and Trent and Tori has grown. I have had the reminder to slow down and enjoy them. To take time to cuddle, to talk, to read, to explain, and to love. God did not create the storms in my life, but He prepares and helps me through them. I know He loves me.
And just in case your wondering how I am doing, I am doing really well. It is taking awhile to get back on track. It is now about a month since I found out my baby probably wouldn't make it and I am barely starting to get my life back on track. I have started working out again. This week was the first week I have done more than one day. I have actually made dinner a couple times this week, which has been really hard to focus on before. I still have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and seizing that beautiful time of day, but hey after a month I feel like the steps I have made this week are worth commending. So, we are getting back to normal, slowly but surely. Don't forget--God love me and you and he takes care of us in good time and bad. We just have to wait on Him.
Together Forever. Families are Forever.
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