Not much has happened, especially since the last post. I know it was all about goals and everything, but my main goal was to finish reading the third book in the Lunar Chronicles. I was hoping by accomplishing that I would be able to better work on my goals. You see I have this issue...when I read a book it is all I think about until its done. Sometimes it goes on for a little while after I have finished, but oh its like the unread words just call for me until they are all read. AHHHHHH. It make reading books kind of hard, but oh well at least most books come to an end and then I can get on with life until the next one.
So, life what has been going on? Not really a whole lot. Sometimes time just rushes on ] and sometimes I feel it is just creeping along. Sometimes the day is great. It is so great I wonder why I ever have bad days. Then some days are just bad. Sometimes because of the stuff that happens and sometimes because I am just struggling.
This month there seems to be more of those struggling days then before. I blame it on the fact that Derek was suppose to be born really close to today. I don't know if its really the case or not, because there are a lot of things going on. For example, I have a 2 year-old and a 3 year-old and just like days sometimes they are good and sometimes they are not. Lucky for me, they are tough kids and hang in there through the thick and thin. However, I tell myself you have gone though worse than this, press forward and you will be okay. There are more good days ahead.
Thoughts about Derek at this time. I don't know that I think about it super often, but when I do it comes with a mix of emotions. Sometimes I am relieved. I know that sounds so terrible, but sometimes life is so overwhelming with the two wonderful kids I have right now. Some days I really wonder if I could have done it. I remember thinking the same thing when I was going to have Tia, and so I know I could have, but some days are so crazy it makes you wonder. Then some days I am grateful about the whole experience that Derek did/is teaching me. Because he doesn't get to be with me right now, I realize more how precious my girls are. The everyday things they do. The playing and imagining. The growth and things we have to work through together. The closeness of family. All of it. My girls are fantastic. They really are and I don't think I spent enough time just loving them for them. I am not perfect, so I still forget this sometimes, but when I catch the moments. When I see a milestone hit, or what ever I am more aware how how special it is. Tia right now is so interested in babies. Every time she sees one she points it out. When ever she and/or Kylee do this I just think to myself you guys would have LOVED him, and he would have LOVED you right back. My life would be more chaotic trying to save him from your loving embrace and curiosity, but it would have been so fun too. Yep, I think about Derek a lot. I think about having kids a lot. I think a lot.
However, that is the best thing about when Gaupo comes home is he is not a super ponderer. He ponders here and there not all at once, and he is way more introverted than I am so he ponders on the inside. Anyway, I love when he comes home, because if I need to talk he listens. I love that we got new games for Christmas because we play more games. I love that he make me feel so secure and loved. He helps. I am so glad I have him around. He really provides a welcome distraction, a sound sounding board, a comforting-loving embrace, and fun. He can put a bright spot in my day, just about any day.
Actually I am really lucky because my kids can do the same. They can drive me a little crazy just like Gaupo they are just around more so they have more time to drive me crazy, so there is more. Anyway, my girls have the best laughs and smiles. They are so full of love and energy it is impossible not to stand in awe at the things they do every day. Kylee and Tia are just awesome and so capable of so many things. Although, sometimes I may push to hard and then they don't rise to that capability, but they can its there. That is one of the best things about littles is their limitless potential.
I know this post is so random and I am sorry, but I kind of feel like that is the way it is right now. Happy, sad, good, bad, optimistic, hopeful, crying, contemplative, excited, independent, dependent. all of it. Just kind of weird around here, but you know what I wouldn't give up my life for anything. I really am so blessed. I am not alone and never will be. What a great feeling. I should end before this gets even more random. Thanks for reading.
So, life what has been going on? Not really a whole lot. Sometimes time just rushes on ] and sometimes I feel it is just creeping along. Sometimes the day is great. It is so great I wonder why I ever have bad days. Then some days are just bad. Sometimes because of the stuff that happens and sometimes because I am just struggling.
This month there seems to be more of those struggling days then before. I blame it on the fact that Derek was suppose to be born really close to today. I don't know if its really the case or not, because there are a lot of things going on. For example, I have a 2 year-old and a 3 year-old and just like days sometimes they are good and sometimes they are not. Lucky for me, they are tough kids and hang in there through the thick and thin. However, I tell myself you have gone though worse than this, press forward and you will be okay. There are more good days ahead.
Thoughts about Derek at this time. I don't know that I think about it super often, but when I do it comes with a mix of emotions. Sometimes I am relieved. I know that sounds so terrible, but sometimes life is so overwhelming with the two wonderful kids I have right now. Some days I really wonder if I could have done it. I remember thinking the same thing when I was going to have Tia, and so I know I could have, but some days are so crazy it makes you wonder. Then some days I am grateful about the whole experience that Derek did/is teaching me. Because he doesn't get to be with me right now, I realize more how precious my girls are. The everyday things they do. The playing and imagining. The growth and things we have to work through together. The closeness of family. All of it. My girls are fantastic. They really are and I don't think I spent enough time just loving them for them. I am not perfect, so I still forget this sometimes, but when I catch the moments. When I see a milestone hit, or what ever I am more aware how how special it is. Tia right now is so interested in babies. Every time she sees one she points it out. When ever she and/or Kylee do this I just think to myself you guys would have LOVED him, and he would have LOVED you right back. My life would be more chaotic trying to save him from your loving embrace and curiosity, but it would have been so fun too. Yep, I think about Derek a lot. I think about having kids a lot. I think a lot.
However, that is the best thing about when Gaupo comes home is he is not a super ponderer. He ponders here and there not all at once, and he is way more introverted than I am so he ponders on the inside. Anyway, I love when he comes home, because if I need to talk he listens. I love that we got new games for Christmas because we play more games. I love that he make me feel so secure and loved. He helps. I am so glad I have him around. He really provides a welcome distraction, a sound sounding board, a comforting-loving embrace, and fun. He can put a bright spot in my day, just about any day.
Actually I am really lucky because my kids can do the same. They can drive me a little crazy just like Gaupo they are just around more so they have more time to drive me crazy, so there is more. Anyway, my girls have the best laughs and smiles. They are so full of love and energy it is impossible not to stand in awe at the things they do every day. Kylee and Tia are just awesome and so capable of so many things. Although, sometimes I may push to hard and then they don't rise to that capability, but they can its there. That is one of the best things about littles is their limitless potential.
I know this post is so random and I am sorry, but I kind of feel like that is the way it is right now. Happy, sad, good, bad, optimistic, hopeful, crying, contemplative, excited, independent, dependent. all of it. Just kind of weird around here, but you know what I wouldn't give up my life for anything. I really am so blessed. I am not alone and never will be. What a great feeling. I should end before this gets even more random. Thanks for reading.
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