Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Sometimes It's Hard

Before I start this post, I want to say that I love being a mom and most times I feel I do a pretty good job with my kids. I love the good times and I don't mind the bad most of the time. My girls and Gaupo are my biggest blessings. Every time I think of what my life would be like without them, I just stop because, because they are with me my life is so much richer. My life is great, but that doesn't mean it isn't challenge free and that I don't have times were I really have no idea if I am doing anything at all right. But, I am so glad I get the opportunity to be a mother to two beautiful unique girls and a wife to a always supportive husband.

Lately I have been dealing with some challenges around here and the thing I struggle with the most about them is I don't feel like they are my fault. I don't know what I could do differently to make them not happen or prepare better for them. I think in the last couple of weeks and especially today and the previous few days I have been amazed at how my children's decisions affect me. Some are pretty harmless like a couple of weeks ago when Tia pulled the fire alarm at school and caused a whole school fire drill. She owned up to it, and the staff member that found out and handled the situation did a superb job handling it. She didn't get mad at Tia, but she also didn't trivialize it. She got down on Tia's level and really talked to her about why pulling the fire alarm is not okay and that she is not to do it again. As I observed this, I noticed how Tia totally payed attention to her and listened, so I am really hoping it got through. Even though pulling a fire alarm is bad, it is pretty harmless, but you know what it still had consequences that affect a lot of people. Yes, it affected me because I had to stand outside without my coat, but it also affect the people that were in school that day who's learning got interrupted. It is amazing how a little choice can have so much ripple effect.

This weekend we were going to do so much fun stuff, we had a great weekend planned, but of no fault of her own Tia got sick. That meant Aunt Kitt couldn't come visit, we couldn't go to dinner group, she couldn't go ice skating, Trent and Tori couldn't come over, and we had to do some extra cleaning. I know it doesn't sound like that big of deal, but when those are your plans it is a big deal. I hate to admit it, but it totally ruined my Friday. I was so looking forward to Kitt coming and playing and spending almost 3 days with us. I was looking forward to doing things as a family, but then none of it could happen. I haven't gone into a depressed nap for a long time, and I didn't realize how long until Friday when I took one and how I wanted to stay under that blanket forever, because there were no problems or responsibilities there. I did get up and the weekend actually turned out just fine. No, Kitt didn't get to come, but dinner group got postponed till yesterday instead of getting totally cancelled. We watched part of a movie as a family. I got to have some one-on-one time with Kylee at ice skating. Kylee got invited to meet a friend there and it was fun to watch her interact with him. I got up the gumption to go shopping. I bought my first pair of skinny jeans and a new pair of shoes (teal Vans). I actually love all the things I bought. I took my friend and we had a good time together. Tia was doing better on Saturday, so I did take the girls for a bike ride and to the park. So, the weekend did go good it just didn't go as I had planned and I didn't get to see Kitt and that was really rough.

Then today was rough. Okay, only two parts of it. The first part happened when I caught Kylee in a lie she told. This morning she built a really cool tinker-toy thing by looking at the picture on the box. Which was awesome, but then she told me that her and Tori had already built it. I questioned her knowing they hadn't built it here. She said "Oh, Tori got Tinker-Toys for Christmas. She didn't tell you." I asked her, "Kylee is this a story or is this for real?" She assured me it was real. Well this afternoon I asked Tori if she got Tinker-Toys for Christmas and she replied, "No." I then walked over and told Kylee she needed to go to her room. She promptly got sorrowful and asked how long she had to stay up there, and was it just till she could remember to tell the truth. SHE TOTALLY KNEW! I couldn't believe it. She herself connected the dots of the fact she told a lie and I knew. I don't know if I handled it right. I sent her to her room for 5 minutes. It was actually longer because I got busy. Then we talked about it a little. Then I asked her, "So, what are you going to do next time?" She said, "If I tell you can I get out of this room?" I said, "Yes." She said, "I don't know." I said, "Well, when you can figure it out you can come out." I think that handling was all good and well, I am just not sure I should have said that the next time she does it she can't play with her friends. I said that because for me the thing I need to trust my kids the most with is their friends and what they do with them. So, anyway I don't know. She did eventually come downstairs and tell me that she wouldn't tell lies anymore and if I asked her about it she would tell me if it was something she made up or not. So, we will see. I just feel like 5 is so young to start lying and I know it wasn't about anything big, but I don't want it to be about anything big. I want the lying to stop now, so that we never ever lie about big stuff because that can be dangerous. I don't know it is so tricky to teach your kids, and still have them want to talk to you. I just pray that it will be okay, and that my kids will want to do good.

So, that was pretty rough, but then it got added on when my friend asked us to not come play for awhile because Tia can't stop picking up her son and it is stressing her out because Tia often time either drops him or makes him cry. Now, I know she shouldn't do this and this is the best way to handle it. Really, I probably should have done this sooner, but saying you can't see your friend for awhile because your kids can't handle it--well obviously for me it was to hard. However, I can obey honest, good, requests, so we will. But, I am so sad. I love visiting with my friend. My kids love playing at her house and with her. They actually will still get to see her more than me because she takes them to school. Augh, it just isn't fair sometimes. However, I have to teach Tia to listen and that she can't just go picking up babies. Luckily this baby is pretty big, so I don't think she can really hurt him, just scare him. But, we go around little babies and she needs to know she can't touch them unless their mom is okay with it. So, even though this totally bites that I can't go over to my friends house and she probably wont come here because it is actually probably more stressful this is what needs to happen. It just totally stinks. 

Today Kylee wondered when she could be a mom. Sometimes, I wish I could let my kids be a mom just so they know that even though it has a lot of perks it does have its not so great parts too. I mean I love eating treats when I want, buying my own food, cooking things I like for dinner, going to bed when I want, and stuff like that. However, I don't like stuff like what has happened recently. Plus the every day stuff like kids telling you they don't want to eat the food you just worked to make, or cleaning up messes, or figuring out how to pay bills, or you know just the growing up stuff of life. Anyway, obviously I get kind of flustered when other people choices affect me like super directly. Plus, my kids are only 4 and almost 6 so I have to know/figure out how much of this they can handle. Like can they handle knowing that their choices totally mess with me and my life? Or do I just settle for the fact that they need to know its bad? I don't know. I really do have good kids, just sometimes they don't make good choices, or do things there are not suppose to--like back talking my another adult, my friend. I totally had to have a talk with Kylee about that.  She was being sassy to my friend. We talked and she was warned that if it happened again then I got to take her to school. (My kids are not a fan of this just so you know. I must spend plenty of time with my kids because they sure love when I let them do things with their friends mom's on their own.) I know there are tons of people with way bigger problems, but these are big to me. I didn't see these types of things coming. I mean I guess I knew they would, but it seems like my kids are too little to be even having these kinds of problems. Guess not. 

Raising kids is hard. I do feel blessed to be able to do it. I just want so bad to do it right. Choosing the right brings so much happiness and joy into your life and I want that for my kids, but they get to choose. Even at 4 and 5 they have to choose to be good and obedient. I can't make them do it and to be honest even though it would be easier I don't want to make them, because then they would never experience the joy and peace that comes with choosing the right. I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for the gift of agency and also for Jesus Christ because I am not perfect, so I need him, so I can repent and be forgiven of my sins. I need Jesus, Heavenly Father, and the Holy Ghost to help me choose the right, raise my kids, and be part of a family. I defiantly can't do it on my own and luckily I don't have to. I have Divine help, but I also have Gaupo who is always there for me. He supports me and tries hard to do his best to fulfill his roles in our family. I couldn't do what I do without him and his support. Being a mom isn't easy, but I can't imagine doing it on my own. I am so glad that I have Gaupo and Heavenly Father to help me. 

Motherhood is a divine role and it is worth all of this. I love my kids I am so grateful that I get the time to know them both for who they are. I am so grateful for the gap after Tia. I have needed it to get to know my kids to soak up all the good and savor those moments, but also to know my kids. They each have unique needs, abilities, talents, and personalities and I am so glad I have to chance to see. I am sure if Derek were here I could still have done it because that would have been the plan, but because I don't have him here and there is a gap and not having more children has really helped me appreciate all I do have. So, I cherish the good. I can't say I cherish the bad, but it does teach me a lot and hopefully my kids will learn from it and so will I. Motherhood is awesome. I love it. I know you probably have your doubts after this post, but trust me being a mother is the best. It is totally worth everything to watch these sweet children of God grow and become. So, even though it is hard I will choose to embrace motherhood.

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